Little woman little man you have no chance

Below is this week's column in the INM Irish regional newspapers.

By Michael Commane
Do you ever get tired of battling against companies and providers who consider you a ‘cherished customer’?

Three weeks ago the TV, phone and broadband company UPC sent me an electronic version of my bill in place of a paper one. I had never asked for this facility, indeed, I think some time earlier I had explicitly requested that I be sent a paper bill every month.

When I called them I kept being told that this was a new automatic service. It took me sometime to explain I wanted a paper bill. Eventually they got the message. But really, one begins to feel powerless with these company juggernauts that come at you with extraordinary power.

Late in May I flew with Ryanair to Malaga. A work colleague invited me to officiate at her wedding in Nerja. Never been there before and it was great to head off into the sun.

Within a few minutes of sitting down at my window seat a member of cabin crew asks me if I would remove my bag from the overhead bin and put it under the seat in front of me. Split-second thinking had me saying in a calm way that no, I was leaving it there. She walked off and no hassle.

About three or four minutes later the Ryanair staff member comes back to me again and explains that she wants to place a bigger bag in the bin so would I be kind enough to put my bag under the seat.

Not wanting to be awkward, at least any more awkward than I usually am, I agreed and put the bag under the seat. And then another split-second thinking and ever conscious of the philosophy and ethos of Ryanair, I said that I would put my bag under the seat if Ryanair gave me a free cup of coffee during the flight. She agreed and a deal was done. Victory over Ryanair. Fantastic.

Bag under the seat and off we fly to the sun.

Up in the sky flying at 9,000 metres the cabin crew begin their hard sell routine. Trolley approaches my row, being steered by my friend. I ask for that free cup of coffee. She consults with another member of staff. The outcome of the consultation is that there is no free cup of coffee coming my way.

Imagine if I broke some rule on a Ryanair flight? They’d probably have the police waiting for me as the plane taxied on to the apron. Imagine if my carry-on luggage was one kilo over the specified weight what I would have to pay?

Full marks to Transport Minister Leo Varadkar, who was interviewed on Morning Ireland two weeks ago when he pointed out that if Ryanair don’t claim to deal in return journeys why then do they ask people to click on the return journey box on their website.

But of course it’s not just Ryanair. Last week a woman told me a horrendous story about a battle she is having with her electricity supplier. She genuinely believes she has been overcharged. This woman is no chancer or scammer. She has simply been treated in an appalling manner by the company. As a last resort she plans to put all her bills and correspondence up on Facebook.

I have to admit I am growing weary of it all. But on the other hand there can be fun in battling with these companies, especially when you win. For example when I fly Ryanair I usually carry a bottle of water on to the plane and then ask for a free plastic cup for the water. I’m surprised I manage to get one.

Four days later I flew home with Aer Lingus. What a difference. I actually felt a ‘cherished customer’.