Friendship is a prized gift, something never earned

This week’s column in The Kerryman newspaper.

Michael Commane

We have had a great stretch of fabulous weather. A West Kerry farmer tells me he has his hay in a month earlier than last year. It’s been a time for the outdoors.

Perfect weather for the bicycle. On one of my cycles I called to someone I know over 30 years. We don’t meet that often but anytime we do I am in awe of her kindness and generosity of spirit. There’s always a great rapport between us. She is in her mid-70s.

We chatted over a cup of tea and a slice or two of homemade brown bread. I’m still thinking of the hour or so we sat talking and laughing. She has that gift of making time stop, and you are all that matters at that moment.

Earlier in the year during lunch in one of our Dominican priories I said that I thought such-and -such a person was great. Someone at table asked me what made someone great in my eyes. For a moment I was stuck and then, half flippantly said that if I thought they liked me then I considered them great. There was a momentary silence at the table. Maybe people were surprised with my reply. I can still remember one man smiling before saying: ‘that’s a new one on me’.

What is it that attracts us to people? There is the whole world of sexuality that plays a large and significant role in how we team up. You would want to be a sublime liar or a total fool to deny the significance and indeed power of sexual attraction. But even with that there is always more to what makes people drawn to one another.

Can you imagine being friendly with someone whom you know does not like you? And then, the smallest of incidences can set a friendship on fire or destroy it dead.

Ever since I heard astrophysicist Dame Jocelyn Bell Burnell tell Tommy Tiernan that there are one hundred thousand million galaxies I’m inclined to look at all reality, at least the reality that is in front of my eyes with a grain of salt. And yet, I greatly cherish my friendships. I’d be lost without those who are close to me. But why do I like X and don’t like Y? Why does X or Y like me? 

Surely in so many ways it’s a lottery, then again can’t you say the same about the totality of our lives. Or can you?

Every friendship is different, there is a uniqueness about friendship. But it can also make or break us. It must be close to hell to live in a broken marriage, where there is nothing left between the partners. Living in community too can be tumultuous.

No doubt all friendships require work. Like everything in life, there has to be give and take. But it’s the accidental element about it that is fascinating. 

I remember learning in theology that all being is accidental, except God. It’s what distinguishes God from the rest of creation.

Wise words from Dominican saint, Thomas Aquinas make great sense: 'There is nothing on this earth more to be prized than true friendship’.