Our words should express what we think

This week’s Medaihuis Irish regional newspapers’ column.

Michael Commane

Sitting across the aisle from me earlier this week on a train were a couple, probably in their 30s. The conversation was dotted every few minutes with ‘shut the f… up’. And it was the woman who was saying it. He seemed a nervous type and found it difficult to stay still for more than 10 minutes.

 

For two hours 15 minutes, at least from what I could glean, they really spoke about nothing that was in any way engaging. Am I being patronising saying that? I don’t think so.

The previous day I called on a man who is partially invalided. We usually hurl pleasant insults at each other, gossip about him and her and solve all the problems of the village, even the world.

But on this occasion I decided to go serious and told him straight out how I admire his attitude to his new situation. He now depends on other people to do many jobs for him and he can no longer walk independently to the local shop to buy what he wants. 

There was a moment of silence before he looked at me and admitted that he misses his independence, being able to go to the shop, fill his bag with his purchase, throw it over his shoulder and walk back home. 

It was a privileged moment for me because I knew he was talking deadly seriously. All the usual banter between us had been put aside just for a short few minutes as we both knew we were talking real and true words to each other. 

I have no idea how I would manage if a similar fate were thrown my way. I filled a bucket of coal for him and went on my way. Indeed, I was surprised I asked him if I should do that and was also surprised that he assented.

Oscar Wilde says: ‘Ultimately the bond of all companionship, whether in marriage or in friendship, is conversation’.

Wilde is saying something of great importance but surely there are many different types of conversation.

We can converse about everything under the sun, from football to war but how often and with whom do we in our conversation express what we are really thinking? 

How much of our conversations are shadow boxing. We often use the expression, ‘he is a cute hoor’ to describe someone whom we know is talking out of both sides of their mouth at the same time, someone who can easily fool us with their words, saying one thing and meaning another.

Indeed, it’s often used in a complimentary sense about someone. If you think about it, isn’t that extremely odd. Surely our words should be used to annunciate what we mean. Anything else is a lie and deceit.

I’m reminded of all the going away celebrations I have attended and the words that are used to describe the person. Often it’s a mix of lies, truths and make-belief. Maybe it’s the same with obituaries, but what point is there ever in speaking badly about the dead. Then again, why not if it be the truth.

I’ve often been told to zip it, that I can speak my mind too easily, but might the world not be a better place if we spoke our minds in truth, kindness and respect?

More wise words from Wilde: ‘Conversation about the weather is the last refuge of the unimaginative.’ You could add many topics.