How close can we get to another person?

This week’s Mediahuis Irish regional newspapers’ column.

Michael Commane

Since lockdown regulations were eased and we are back out and about travelling on buses and rail, a friend asked me on a number of occasions to book a rail ticket for her. She is well familiar with using her computer, uses WhatsApp and indeed has an Instagram account. 

But when it came to the rail booking, every time she did it she could not manage how to negotiate the Free Travel Pass or Valid Ticket tab. And we all know that it can get very frustrating when we get into an argument with our tablets, phones or computer screens.

On the last occasion I did it for her we decided she would watch and then do the next one herself, with my overseeing her. And that’s exactly what she did and she’s off on her own now and can easily do it for herself. 

The experience set me thinking. It’s only when we do something for ourselves that we appreciate and understand how to do it and how to handle the issues that arise.

I think most people will agree, a month in a classroom is the equivalent to a year or two learning how to become a teacher. At least I can speak for myself and readily admit I learned my teaching trade from being with the students in the classroom and listening to the advice and stories of fellow teachers.

With most aspects of our lives it’s only when we ourselves are personally and intimately involved with the situation, that we fully appreciate what is happening.

In other words, we never know what’s going on in the mind and body of another person.

Elvis Presley’s ‘Walk a Mile in My Shoes’ includes the line: ‘If we could find a way to get inside each other’s minds….’ Is a brilliant piece of wisdom.

And that’s what empathy is all about. The dictionary definition of the word is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another.

I’m inclined to think we can never over score when it comes to empathy.

When someone close to us dies no-one but we actually understands the pain and grief that is involved. Yes, we sympathise with people, we mean what we say but there is always a gulf between what we say and what the other person is feeling.

 

And it’s similar when it comes to illness. It’s only the person who is actually experiencing that trauma who knows the real story, and knows it in its most intimate way. Certainly those closest get some sort of hint, but again, they never know the exact story.

The finality of the death of someone close to us gives us a hint of the mystery that makes it so difficult for us to feel for and understand the other person.

There are times when words break down and we acknowledge that, in our moments of silence. I remember a lecturer saying that we can never take back our words.

Antonie de Saint-Exupéry in The Little Prince gets close when he writes: ‘I did not know how to reach him, how to catch up with him... The land of tears is so mysterious.’